Where’s My Woo-Hoo?

I don’t know what’s expected of me. I don’t mean statutory law, which I follow. Usually. I mean on the existence level, my social role. The role which allows me to interact with others in the world. I know what I’m capable of but what should I do? And why should I do it?

As soon as I start following rules, I feel restrained, anxious, trapped, fearful of sanction. So focused on following the rules to the letter that I lose focus on the task in hand. So I get bored, depressed and aimless. If it’s a job, I get fired (or leave before I do). If its a social group I become disinterested and left behind. If it’s a personal project, I get frustrated at the slightest obstacle and dump it.

The other option is to have no expectations. Of myself or others. But this doesn’t stop others having expectations of me, whether real or just perceived. And is life without expectation possible in society these days? Everything is goal oriented, prestige and self worth through achievement, whether it be fame, money, status or notoriety. Not only is there stigma for those not seen to be striving, but there is no provision. You set me a goal that I have to achieve under threat of sanction and I’ll achieve it. But there’ll be no great swelling of pride from inside, no warm fuzzy feeling or even that feeling of superiority some get off on, having done something that others couldn’t/haven’t. Not only will there be a lack of ‘Woo-Hoo’ on my part, but I will actively resent whoever set me the task, which tends to lead me to anger and hate.

So if you tell me what I should/have to do I will do it begrudgingly with no sense of attainment. If you leave me unconstrained by expectation there is a real risk that I’ll do nothing, walk the same old treadmill, waiting for some kind of enlightenment. And who’s going to fund that? I spend my time trying to understand: reading philosophy, sociology, psychology. I try to think. I try not to think. I meditate, I walk, I garden, I love.

I know some of you will be screaming ‘Get over yourself. Get a job. Just do something.’ OK, what? I have no ambition. I have no want to achieve. If I achieve something in someone else’s eyes, in my eyes, all I’ve done is shown that it was within my capabilities in the first place. I’ve done nothing more than complete a task. And where’s the ‘Woo-Hoo’ in that?